A Little Lamps

The scene: Luis Suarez visits Mrs. Lovett's pie shop and surveys the Chelsea FC menu. Written in April 2012, so a little out of date, but the origin of this blog.

A Little Lamps
(to the tune of A Little Priest from Sweeney Todd)

MRS. LOVETT
Here we are, then! Hot out of the midfield.

LUIS SUAREZ
What is that?

MRS. LOVETT
It's Lamps. Have a little Lamps.

SUAREZ
Is he really good?

MRS. LOVETT
Frank's the brains of the champs
Only three more goals til the record is his
Greatest of the mids.

SUAREZ
Awful lot of fat

MRS. LOVETT
More so now he's sat.

SUAREZ
Can I nibble Oscar, or someone like that?

MRS. LOVETT
Though he's put up winners, he's thinnest,
Leaves dinner unfinished;
Best clamp
Onto Lamps.

SUAREZ (spoken)
Legend'ry!
Not as speedy as Moses, perhaps. But then again, not as slow as Mikel, either.

MRS. LOVETT (spoken)
Plus he's twice as filling, too. Always chewing out Luiz. Trouble is, his contract is ending.

Nando's rather nice.

SUAREZ
If it's for a price.

MRS. LOVETT
And with his new mask he's striving  
To cut down on diving, his vice.  

SUAREZ
Anything that's lean?

MRS. LOVETT
We aren't really lacking in spark, though,
To rotate in Marko Marin.
Or the reserve teens
Although Benayoun is now back in the team.

SUAREZ
Is that Mata, on the plattah,

MRS. LOVETT
Au contraire. He pairs Gary:
That's clearly John Terry.

SUAREZ
Looks sure tanned, might be Bertrand.

MRS. LOVETT
No, it's JT, he rivals your scenes.

SUAREZ
The history of my play, it seems

MRS. LOVETT
Any taste you crave
Sour, sweet, or salty behaviors.

SUAREZ
Is marked by actions at both the extremes

MRS. LOVETT
Even Paulo plays,
So there should be plenty of flavors.

SUAREZ
So fine me, ban me, I'll act real contrite
But never trust that I'd pass up a bite.

What is that?

MRS. LOVETT
It's Cech.
Finest in the net.
Then we have some Azpilicueta
With those thighs it's fate, ah,
Well met.
And I've just begun
Here's a young Brazilian so pacey
He wins every race he can run.

SUAREZ
I'd prefer some buns
That's what makes a snack on Brana such good fun.

MRS. LOVETT
Passes Eden, deftly threads in

SUAREZ
But, the ballboy adventure
Hazards my large dentures.

MRS. LOVETT
Then Ashley, Tweets so rashly,

SUAREZ
First, check he's not packing a gun.
I'll come again when you have Ba on the menu.

MRS. LOVETT (spoken)
Wait! true, we don't have Ba today. But we've got something you might fancy even better.

SUAREZ (spoken)
What's that?

MRS. LOVETT (spoken)
Interim Manager!

SUAREZ
Have charity towards my team and fans

MRS. LOVETT
Reds learn slowly, Luis.

SUAREZ
For if I leave they don't stand any chance

MRS. LOVETT
To win trophies, Luis.

SUAREZ
So though I cause some outlandish calls,
Know when a scandal hits,
I can handle it,
So I'm handling the ball!