America

What does it mean to be a fan in America? We've emerged from the dark ages of needing satellite tv to watch games abroad and begging bars to turn the channel into a wonderland of full coverage and the treasure that is Rebecca Lowe. Well...it's a little more complicated than all that. 
Written for the Men in Blazers BlazerCon contest. 

America

(to the tune of "America" from West Side Story, music by Leonard Bernstein, original lyrics by Stephen Sondheim)

Hail to soccer

Sport of the future

Now is your time of ascendance

New records in TV tracking

Old sponsors putting up the backing

Hail to blazers

And this convention

Thousands of fans in attendance

Savoring each rumored sacking

Keeping the footy banter cracking

Optimally lacking

Shoutout to the fandom

Cheering on the random

From your crap part of Manhattan

And other towns you are sat in

Boots are called cleats in America

Divers are cheats in America

Everything beats in America

But summer heats in America

Watching the women win once more

Hoping the men will at least score

To keep a good field for our teams

We'll prosecute you for tax schemes

Everyone can in America

Choose their own clan in America

When you're a fan in America

One weekend plan in America

Waking up early until June

Frustrated sad napping by noon

Derbies with neighbors and trick hats

Not horses, big trucks, or at-bats

It's a cliche in America

Children all play in America

Trav'ling away in America

Takes a whole day in America

Multiple games on our smart phones

Kickoff times spread over four zones

Games in the city of my birth

Where playing fields don't use real earth

Not as much stress in America

Neither finesse in America

While there's progress in America

We pay far less in America

MLS spreading from each shore

Hard to compete with the Big Four

Other fans think us a bit queer

But at least we have the best beer

The Deadline Day Blues

(to the tune of Buddy's Blues from Follies, original lyrics and music by Stephen Sondheim)

Hello, folks we're into September
Four weeks played out of 38
Hold now, folks, let's pause to remember
The heartbreak and confusion that we've weathered of late

Cause all the business we did last month made me upset
I'm so betwixt and between
The players I want, we don't seem to get
The players we get, you know what I mean!

I've got those "Gee-another-transfer-window-deadline-is-behind-us" blues
That "Can't-believe-you-didn't-spring-for-any-big-new-signings" feelin'
The "What's-the-point-of-contracts-if-you-break-them-all" rot
And so-and-so's-a-legend, true, so what of his spot?
Those "Promising-young-players-that-we're-training-all-got-loaned-out" feelings
Those "God-we-need-a-striker-oh-you-signed-one-well-he-sucks-now" blues.

The Sun said we were making (we're making! they said)
A record-breaking bid (it's big, it's big!)
For some unproven starlet (his star's lit, they said)
A German wunder kid (ist ein Gewinner)

And had our bid succeeded (unimpeded, we'd signed)
His talent would run dry (Ay-yi-yi)
But since he's with our rivals (arriviste, we scoffed)
His PPI is sky high

I've got those "If-I-were-a-glory-hunter-this-could-be-my-season" blues
That "Now-look-even-Wenger-knows-that-fourth-place-ain't-no-trophy" feelin'
And pints on Sunday morning may not make me a lush
The game's not on for hours yet so hey, what's the rush?
That "Sometimes-the-solution-may-be-driving-to-White-City" feelings
Those "Go-ahead-and-kill-me"
"There's-no-way-to-please-me"
"Sign-or-don't-or-stay-or-leave-you-only-want-to-tease-me"
"What's-the-fee-for-feeding-a-full-stable-of-small-horses" blues.

We finally offloaded (he's off! he's off!)
That washed-up former star (staarrrr...)
His contract had a rider (providers, we were)
That dwarfed an armored car (it's literally a car)

But once you count the losses (why the bosses are sad)
In merchandising bucks (the real influx)
His leaving means our Fair Play (Ha! some Fair Play)
Finance status still sucks

I've got those "Gee-another-transfer-window-deadline-is-behind-us" blues
That "Can't-believe-you-didn't-spring-for-any-big-new-signings" feelin'
The "What's-the-point-of-contracts-if-you-break-them-all" rot
And so-and-so's-a-legend, true, so what of his spot?
Those "Promising-young-players-that-we're-training-all-got-loaned-out" feelings
Those "If-we-would-then-they-wouldn't"
"If-they-won't-then-we-hafta"
"Bid-low-pay-high"
"Yes-no-sell-buy"
"Til-another-transfer-window-deadline-is-behind-us" blues!

The Story of Casey and Jesse (and Frankie)

One of the early narrative threads from the the 2014-15 EPL season was the controversy over Chelsea legend Frank Lampard, who was announced to have signed with new MLS team NYCFC and then went on loan to parent club Manchester City. His contributions at Man City (including a last minute strike against Chelsea) led to an extension of the "loan" through the end of the EPL season and conflicting reports as to whether he had ever formally signed with New York. 

With the opening of the 2015 MLS season, we lay out the pros and cons of each team and fondly remember the futility of any decision Lamps himself may have made. Written for a Men in Blazers contest.

THE STORY OF CASEY AND JESSE (AND FRANKIE)

(parody of THE STORY OF LUCY AND JESSIE from Follies, original lyrics and music by Stephen Sondheim)

Here's a story all about our Super Frank

And his two connected teams

Let us call them Casey Brit and Jesse Yank

A descriptive naming scheme

Now Jesse means unsurety

The relative obscurity

That comes with living in the USA

Casey has maturity

Without career security

No guarantee he'll start or even play

Given Frankie's history

And legend rank

It makes sense that his two teams

Represent two far extremes

It seems

Casey is pacey 

All egos and pride

Jesse is messy

Completely untried

Casey gets to play Messi

Jesse seems a bit spacey

Casey looks down on Jesse

Not Jesse Casey

You see, Casey is scary

Yet terribly rich

Jesse spares Terry

But borrows a pitch

Casey wants to beat Terry

Jesse wants to be Casey

Negotiations are hairy

As may the case be

Both have woes

Lusting after rusting pros

Casey wants to have what Jesse owned

Jesse wants returned what Casey loaned

Now if he picks Casey Brit

Hated, rated, Casey Brit

Chelsea fans are wont to throw an awful fit

But if he picks Jesse Yank

Rumored, humored Jesse Yank

He may be a pachyderm who walked the plank

Pacey Casey

Messy Jesse

Casey has pixie

Midfielders with flair

Jesse has Mixy and fashionable hair

Casey likes to be tricksy

Jesse travels to Dixie

But Casey and Jesse are basic'lly one

So his choice may not forestall a

Father who would cheat his son!