Gee, President Blatter

Various interest groups petition and complain to the head of FIFA. Written for the Men in Blazers on Broadway competition in September 2013.

GEE, PRESIDENT BLATTER

(to the tune of Gee, Officer Krupke from West Side Story)

SOUTH AMERICA:

Dear football federation

We think it's so unfair

With our emerging nations

You never want to share

The game's not Euro-centric

So we'll protest until

World Cup '14, see you in Brazil!

BRAZIL:

Ack! Blatter and Rousseff, you're out of your minds

And where's the funding for that blank check that you just signed

We're in a recession, and down on our luck

Our civil services just suck.

Pay three bucks, ride a truck, and get stuck in muck

Cause our infrastructure really sucks.

MISOGYNISTS:

A global tv fandom

Sells tickets, kits, and beers

But growing it in tandem

With women as our peers

And not just things to ogle

Confounds our hollow heads

They should show off cleavage like you said.

WOMEN:

Neanderthal Blatter, you're really a square

And what gives you the right to judge what I choose to wear?

You'd rather see stockings than shorts and sport bras

Yet goal celebrations give you pause.

It's no cause, to burn bras, no oppressive laws,

But hypocrisy does give us pause.

EVERYONE WITH A BRAIN:

Appeal to common sense says

Qatar is too damn hot

They may have bribed the old Pres

But change that they can not

So playing in the winter has got to be the fix

Just convince the European cliques.

EPL:

Um, President Blatter, you don't understand

Premier League games on Boxing Day are already planned

Plus how do we stand up for tolerant play

When it's a crime there to be gay.

Biters stay, wankers play, and it's all okay

But host countries shouldn't outlaw gays.

AMERICANS:

Dear those who call it "football"

It's cheaters we don't like

And patronizing game calls

Like Johnson on the mike

When players like Stu Holden

Get cut down on the pitch

Simulation seems a little rich.

EVERYONE ELSE:

Yeah, President Blatter, we kinda agree

Hands of God and swanning falls we don't care to see

How long did it take you to get goal line tech?

Still refereeing is a wreck.

Hit the deck, grab your neck, fake a ten car wreck

Cause there can't be post-match double checks.

You come off kind of seedy

And prone to social gaffes

We all suspect you're greedy

Along with your old staff

The audience is growing

But so too are our groans

Blatter, time to step down from your throne.

Gee President Blatter, we're down on our knees

Cause no one respects FIFA when it's brimming with sleaze

Most popular sports can't be lead by lame ducks

Gee, President Blatter, get chucked!

A Little Lamps

The scene: Luis Suarez visits Mrs. Lovett's pie shop and surveys the Chelsea FC menu. Written in April 2012, so a little out of date, but the origin of this blog.

A Little Lamps
(to the tune of A Little Priest from Sweeney Todd)

MRS. LOVETT
Here we are, then! Hot out of the midfield.

LUIS SUAREZ
What is that?

MRS. LOVETT
It's Lamps. Have a little Lamps.

SUAREZ
Is he really good?

MRS. LOVETT
Frank's the brains of the champs
Only three more goals til the record is his
Greatest of the mids.

SUAREZ
Awful lot of fat

MRS. LOVETT
More so now he's sat.

SUAREZ
Can I nibble Oscar, or someone like that?

MRS. LOVETT
Though he's put up winners, he's thinnest,
Leaves dinner unfinished;
Best clamp
Onto Lamps.

SUAREZ (spoken)
Legend'ry!
Not as speedy as Moses, perhaps. But then again, not as slow as Mikel, either.

MRS. LOVETT (spoken)
Plus he's twice as filling, too. Always chewing out Luiz. Trouble is, his contract is ending.

Nando's rather nice.

SUAREZ
If it's for a price.

MRS. LOVETT
And with his new mask he's striving  
To cut down on diving, his vice.  

SUAREZ
Anything that's lean?

MRS. LOVETT
We aren't really lacking in spark, though,
To rotate in Marko Marin.
Or the reserve teens
Although Benayoun is now back in the team.

SUAREZ
Is that Mata, on the plattah,

MRS. LOVETT
Au contraire. He pairs Gary:
That's clearly John Terry.

SUAREZ
Looks sure tanned, might be Bertrand.

MRS. LOVETT
No, it's JT, he rivals your scenes.

SUAREZ
The history of my play, it seems

MRS. LOVETT
Any taste you crave
Sour, sweet, or salty behaviors.

SUAREZ
Is marked by actions at both the extremes

MRS. LOVETT
Even Paulo plays,
So there should be plenty of flavors.

SUAREZ
So fine me, ban me, I'll act real contrite
But never trust that I'd pass up a bite.

What is that?

MRS. LOVETT
It's Cech.
Finest in the net.
Then we have some Azpilicueta
With those thighs it's fate, ah,
Well met.
And I've just begun
Here's a young Brazilian so pacey
He wins every race he can run.

SUAREZ
I'd prefer some buns
That's what makes a snack on Brana such good fun.

MRS. LOVETT
Passes Eden, deftly threads in

SUAREZ
But, the ballboy adventure
Hazards my large dentures.

MRS. LOVETT
Then Ashley, Tweets so rashly,

SUAREZ
First, check he's not packing a gun.
I'll come again when you have Ba on the menu.

MRS. LOVETT (spoken)
Wait! true, we don't have Ba today. But we've got something you might fancy even better.

SUAREZ (spoken)
What's that?

MRS. LOVETT (spoken)
Interim Manager!

SUAREZ
Have charity towards my team and fans

MRS. LOVETT
Reds learn slowly, Luis.

SUAREZ
For if I leave they don't stand any chance

MRS. LOVETT
To win trophies, Luis.

SUAREZ
So though I cause some outlandish calls,
Know when a scandal hits,
I can handle it,
So I'm handling the ball!