Gee, President Blatter

Various interest groups petition and complain to the head of FIFA. Written for the Men in Blazers on Broadway competition in September 2013.

GEE, PRESIDENT BLATTER

(to the tune of Gee, Officer Krupke from West Side Story)

SOUTH AMERICA:

Dear football federation

We think it's so unfair

With our emerging nations

You never want to share

The game's not Euro-centric

So we'll protest until

World Cup '14, see you in Brazil!

BRAZIL:

Ack! Blatter and Rousseff, you're out of your minds

And where's the funding for that blank check that you just signed

We're in a recession, and down on our luck

Our civil services just suck.

Pay three bucks, ride a truck, and get stuck in muck

Cause our infrastructure really sucks.

MISOGYNISTS:

A global tv fandom

Sells tickets, kits, and beers

But growing it in tandem

With women as our peers

And not just things to ogle

Confounds our hollow heads

They should show off cleavage like you said.

WOMEN:

Neanderthal Blatter, you're really a square

And what gives you the right to judge what I choose to wear?

You'd rather see stockings than shorts and sport bras

Yet goal celebrations give you pause.

It's no cause, to burn bras, no oppressive laws,

But hypocrisy does give us pause.

EVERYONE WITH A BRAIN:

Appeal to common sense says

Qatar is too damn hot

They may have bribed the old Pres

But change that they can not

So playing in the winter has got to be the fix

Just convince the European cliques.

EPL:

Um, President Blatter, you don't understand

Premier League games on Boxing Day are already planned

Plus how do we stand up for tolerant play

When it's a crime there to be gay.

Biters stay, wankers play, and it's all okay

But host countries shouldn't outlaw gays.

AMERICANS:

Dear those who call it "football"

It's cheaters we don't like

And patronizing game calls

Like Johnson on the mike

When players like Stu Holden

Get cut down on the pitch

Simulation seems a little rich.

EVERYONE ELSE:

Yeah, President Blatter, we kinda agree

Hands of God and swanning falls we don't care to see

How long did it take you to get goal line tech?

Still refereeing is a wreck.

Hit the deck, grab your neck, fake a ten car wreck

Cause there can't be post-match double checks.

You come off kind of seedy

And prone to social gaffes

We all suspect you're greedy

Along with your old staff

The audience is growing

But so too are our groans

Blatter, time to step down from your throne.

Gee President Blatter, we're down on our knees

Cause no one respects FIFA when it's brimming with sleaze

Most popular sports can't be lead by lame ducks

Gee, President Blatter, get chucked!