Anything Goes (in Leicestershire)

Forget the FA Cup and March Madness: Leicester City FC is this year's story of underdog pluck and dominance. The Foxes have gone from near-relegation to early season skepticism to premature coronation, and all eyes (and many hearts) are fixed on their race to the finish. Will they manage to stay in the clear for seven more weeks? Or will this topsy-turvy EPL season see one more plot twist?


Anything Goes
(Music and original lyrics by Cole Porter)


Times have changed
And we're watching the clock run down
On a season where giants drown
And the circus has come to town

If come May
Leicester City achieves the dream
Of the title and golden crown
Then the Fox will go mainstream

In olden days the league was taken
By Manchester teams now shaken
But Arlo knows
Anything goes

Mid-table teams like rotten Totten-
ham no longer seem forgotten 
In highlight shows
Anything goes

The table's gone mad today and good's bad today
And low's high today and sell's buy today
When most guys today that coaches prize today 
Were just lately embryos

And since it seems this season's writers 
Are hitting the pipes and lighters
While they compose
Anything goes

When rich teams lead by Special/Chosen 
Ones somehow seem less imposin'
Than Claudio's
Anything goes

When would-be fans that seek fair weather
Change colors and jump together
To flee their woes
Anything goes

If fortunes reborn you like
If post horns you like
If rich Thais you like
If pork pies you like
If vague brands you like
Or local bands you like
Well I reckon who you chose

And since it seems this season's writers 
Are hitting the pipes and lighters
While they compose
Anything goes

Anything, anything
Anything goes!





Bonus verse:

When World Cup winning girls are feted but
Aren't even compensated
Like losing bros
Anything goes.

America

What does it mean to be a fan in America? We've emerged from the dark ages of needing satellite tv to watch games abroad and begging bars to turn the channel into a wonderland of full coverage and the treasure that is Rebecca Lowe. Well...it's a little more complicated than all that. 
Written for the Men in Blazers BlazerCon contest. 

America

(to the tune of "America" from West Side Story, music by Leonard Bernstein, original lyrics by Stephen Sondheim)

Hail to soccer

Sport of the future

Now is your time of ascendance

New records in TV tracking

Old sponsors putting up the backing

Hail to blazers

And this convention

Thousands of fans in attendance

Savoring each rumored sacking

Keeping the footy banter cracking

Optimally lacking

Shoutout to the fandom

Cheering on the random

From your crap part of Manhattan

And other towns you are sat in

Boots are called cleats in America

Divers are cheats in America

Everything beats in America

But summer heats in America

Watching the women win once more

Hoping the men will at least score

To keep a good field for our teams

We'll prosecute you for tax schemes

Everyone can in America

Choose their own clan in America

When you're a fan in America

One weekend plan in America

Waking up early until June

Frustrated sad napping by noon

Derbies with neighbors and trick hats

Not horses, big trucks, or at-bats

It's a cliche in America

Children all play in America

Trav'ling away in America

Takes a whole day in America

Multiple games on our smart phones

Kickoff times spread over four zones

Games in the city of my birth

Where playing fields don't use real earth

Not as much stress in America

Neither finesse in America

While there's progress in America

We pay far less in America

MLS spreading from each shore

Hard to compete with the Big Four

Other fans think us a bit queer

But at least we have the best beer

The Deadline Day Blues

(to the tune of Buddy's Blues from Follies, original lyrics and music by Stephen Sondheim)

Hello, folks we're into September
Four weeks played out of 38
Hold now, folks, let's pause to remember
The heartbreak and confusion that we've weathered of late

Cause all the business we did last month made me upset
I'm so betwixt and between
The players I want, we don't seem to get
The players we get, you know what I mean!

I've got those "Gee-another-transfer-window-deadline-is-behind-us" blues
That "Can't-believe-you-didn't-spring-for-any-big-new-signings" feelin'
The "What's-the-point-of-contracts-if-you-break-them-all" rot
And so-and-so's-a-legend, true, so what of his spot?
Those "Promising-young-players-that-we're-training-all-got-loaned-out" feelings
Those "God-we-need-a-striker-oh-you-signed-one-well-he-sucks-now" blues.

The Sun said we were making (we're making! they said)
A record-breaking bid (it's big, it's big!)
For some unproven starlet (his star's lit, they said)
A German wunder kid (ist ein Gewinner)

And had our bid succeeded (unimpeded, we'd signed)
His talent would run dry (Ay-yi-yi)
But since he's with our rivals (arriviste, we scoffed)
His PPI is sky high

I've got those "If-I-were-a-glory-hunter-this-could-be-my-season" blues
That "Now-look-even-Wenger-knows-that-fourth-place-ain't-no-trophy" feelin'
And pints on Sunday morning may not make me a lush
The game's not on for hours yet so hey, what's the rush?
That "Sometimes-the-solution-may-be-driving-to-White-City" feelings
Those "Go-ahead-and-kill-me"
"There's-no-way-to-please-me"
"Sign-or-don't-or-stay-or-leave-you-only-want-to-tease-me"
"What's-the-fee-for-feeding-a-full-stable-of-small-horses" blues.

We finally offloaded (he's off! he's off!)
That washed-up former star (staarrrr...)
His contract had a rider (providers, we were)
That dwarfed an armored car (it's literally a car)

But once you count the losses (why the bosses are sad)
In merchandising bucks (the real influx)
His leaving means our Fair Play (Ha! some Fair Play)
Finance status still sucks

I've got those "Gee-another-transfer-window-deadline-is-behind-us" blues
That "Can't-believe-you-didn't-spring-for-any-big-new-signings" feelin'
The "What's-the-point-of-contracts-if-you-break-them-all" rot
And so-and-so's-a-legend, true, so what of his spot?
Those "Promising-young-players-that-we're-training-all-got-loaned-out" feelings
Those "If-we-would-then-they-wouldn't"
"If-they-won't-then-we-hafta"
"Bid-low-pay-high"
"Yes-no-sell-buy"
"Til-another-transfer-window-deadline-is-behind-us" blues!

The Story of Casey and Jesse (and Frankie)

One of the early narrative threads from the the 2014-15 EPL season was the controversy over Chelsea legend Frank Lampard, who was announced to have signed with new MLS team NYCFC and then went on loan to parent club Manchester City. His contributions at Man City (including a last minute strike against Chelsea) led to an extension of the "loan" through the end of the EPL season and conflicting reports as to whether he had ever formally signed with New York. 

With the opening of the 2015 MLS season, we lay out the pros and cons of each team and fondly remember the futility of any decision Lamps himself may have made. Written for a Men in Blazers contest.

THE STORY OF CASEY AND JESSE (AND FRANKIE)

(parody of THE STORY OF LUCY AND JESSIE from Follies, original lyrics and music by Stephen Sondheim)

Here's a story all about our Super Frank

And his two connected teams

Let us call them Casey Brit and Jesse Yank

A descriptive naming scheme

Now Jesse means unsurety

The relative obscurity

That comes with living in the USA

Casey has maturity

Without career security

No guarantee he'll start or even play

Given Frankie's history

And legend rank

It makes sense that his two teams

Represent two far extremes

It seems

Casey is pacey 

All egos and pride

Jesse is messy

Completely untried

Casey gets to play Messi

Jesse seems a bit spacey

Casey looks down on Jesse

Not Jesse Casey

You see, Casey is scary

Yet terribly rich

Jesse spares Terry

But borrows a pitch

Casey wants to beat Terry

Jesse wants to be Casey

Negotiations are hairy

As may the case be

Both have woes

Lusting after rusting pros

Casey wants to have what Jesse owned

Jesse wants returned what Casey loaned

Now if he picks Casey Brit

Hated, rated, Casey Brit

Chelsea fans are wont to throw an awful fit

But if he picks Jesse Yank

Rumored, humored Jesse Yank

He may be a pachyderm who walked the plank

Pacey Casey

Messy Jesse

Casey has pixie

Midfielders with flair

Jesse has Mixy and fashionable hair

Casey likes to be tricksy

Jesse travels to Dixie

But Casey and Jesse are basic'lly one

So his choice may not forestall a

Father who would cheat his son!

No Way to Stop Us

Our illustrious von Trapps really ought to have a song from their namesake musical, so here is one written to "No Way to Stop It" from the Broadway version of The Sound of Music. Ironically, the original song is in favor of capitulating to the invincible Germans.
Written for the Men in Blazers Search for a Song for the USMNT Brazil 2014. Recorded here.

 No Way to Stop Us (to the tune of No Way to Stop It from The Sound of Music)
The US may be newcomers to soccer
Unlike to baseball, apple pie, or war.
But this year's World Cup qualifying record shows we're
Perilous to ignore.
For there's no way to stop us,
No, there's no way to stop us
In the jungle, the mountains or the shore.
As we rise through the tourney
On our Brazilian journey
We'll be taking points and clean sheets by the score.

Now Green and Aron join with Deuce and Landon
And Brad and Timmy fortify the goal
Our holding mids are fierce and tall and have on the ball
Impeccable control.
So there's no way to stop us
When we set up to stop you
Our back four standing stalwart in their role.
How we'll shock the Brasilero
When we beat them dos a cero
In an atmosphere defined by Outlaw soul.

From sea, to plain, for waves, of grain
And for another hundred years
America will cheer us
And all the world will hear us
Sing!

So though we're drawn to Portugal and Ghana
And Jurgen proves that Germans don't give way
Our intellect and drive and courage will dominate
All of the teams we play.
And they won't ever stop us
They have no way to stop the
Stars and stripes, waving gaily o'er the fray.
As our boys start to come home
Leaving Spurs, Augsburg, and Rome
MLS is gaining stature by the day.

U! S! A! There's no way to stop the U S A!

Where You Played For Love (Farewell to Juan Mata)

Despite leaving the Blues, Juan Mata will always be one of my favorite Chelsea players and an all around gentleman. I look forward to watching him play in the 2014 World Cup and hope to see him come home to London someday. 

(to the tune of What I Did for Love from A Chorus Line)

Kiss the Blues goodbye
The glory and the sorrow
Wish us luck the same to you
And remember us
Friends and fans who love
Chelsea Football Club.

Though we wonder why
Your gift was just to borrow
We know that your heart was true
You'd be welcome back
To renew your love
Of Chelsea Football Club.

Juan
With the cups you've won
Two years' praise you've drawn
As our favorite player
Kiss the Bridge goodbye
Old Trafford looms tomorrow
You did what you had to do

Don't forget
Don't regret
Friends and fans who love
Chelsea Football Club -
Where you played for love.

With the cups you've won
Two years' praise you've drawn
As our favorite player
Kiss the Bridge goodbye
Old Trafford looms tomorrow
You did what you had to do

Don't forget
Don't regret
Where you played for love.
All our thanks and love,
Chelsea Football Club.

Carol of the Commentators

Carol of the Commentators

(to the tune of Carol of the Bells)

Full podcast from 12/9/13
Carol contest mp3 (performed by Choral Chameleon) and lyrics

3 part arrangement recorded for legibility

SOPRANO	ALTO	TENOR	BASS
Dangerous lead
If they concede
Up two to nil
Time left to kill
Playing a treat	Two
On a clean sheet	Nil
Always a fight	Two
Stoke Wednesday night	Nil
If they've got more	Two	Two
Good time to score	Nil	Nil
Goals can change games	Two	Two
Light to St. James	Nil	Nil
Big bottomed small	Big bottomed small	Big bottomed small	Big bottomed small
Curls round the wall	Curls round the wall	Curls round the wall	Curls round the wall
Crossing from space	Crossing from space	Crossing from space	Crossing from space
Whipped in with pace	Whipped in with pace	Whipped in with pace	Whipped in with pace
Up goes a flag	Up goes a flag	Oi	Up goes a flag
And a handbag	And a handbag	The	And a handbag
Cynical hook	Cynical hook	Referee	Cynical hook
Goes in the book	Goes in the book	Is a wanker	Goes in the book
Change up the side	Change up the side	Change up the side	Change up the side
Put pace out wide	Put pace out wide	Put pace out wide	Put pace out wide
Or park the bus	Or park the bus	Or park the bus	Or park the bus
Defensive plus	Defensive plus	Defensive plus	Defensive plus
What’s the best way to pre-	Two	Two goals to nil	Two
serve the scoreline?	Goals to nil	Who wants it most	Nil
If they don’t score now it’s	Two	Oh, that came close	Two
squeaky bum time	Goals to nil	Saved by the post	Nil
Desperate press	Two	Two	Two
Try to possess	Nil	Nil	Nil
Play from the back	Two	Two	Two
Counterattack	Nil	Nil	Nil
(repeat above)	(repeat above)	(repeat above)	(repeat above)
Kept a safe lead	Two	Two	Two
Didn't concede
Never in doubt
That they’d close out
Nil	Nil	Out of their class	Nil
		Or blame the grass
		Tough run of play
		Just not their day
Two goals to nil	Two goals to nil
			Time.